


Enigmatic Poem On Our Skins

by xDinahQueenx



Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: F/M, Infidelity
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-27
Updated: 2013-11-27
Packaged: 2018-01-02 19:13:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,191
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1060542
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xDinahQueenx/pseuds/xDinahQueenx
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <em>Tonight—maybe it felt different because it was different. She rolled on to her side and studied him. His eyes were closed, lashes against his cheeks, fingers still curled in to the sheets. </em>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	Enigmatic Poem On Our Skins

Alex wasn't used to this feeling. Maybe she'd had this with James at one point, but maybe it had never been like this. Laying with Spencer with the sweat still cooling on her skin and the sound of his heaves of breathe from next to her, she thinks that it isn't the same at all. Normally, at this point, she would have got up to dress hastily and slip away, back in to her own room across the hall.   
  
Tonight—maybe it felt different because it was different. She rolled on to her side and studied him. His eyes were closed, lashes against his cheeks, fingers still curled in to the sheets. She worried her lower lip briefly then shifted closer, pillowing her head on his bicep, pushing her nose against his side.   
  
Spencer's response was to make a vaguely pleased noise and wrap his arm around Alex to pull her closer. She wondered if she should feel guilty, or _angry_. Alex's hand rested on his abdomen, thumb stroking the skin there, before it trailed up, through damp skin and hair, to curl at the center of his chest.   
  
There was silence except their breathing, unsteady short breaths from her, and harsher pants from Spencer.   
  
To be fair, being on top, he'd done more work.   
  
"Are you staying?" Spencer asked. The tone of it was neutral, not angry or accusatory; she was probably projecting that he sounded hopeful.   
  
"If that's alright," Alex said. Spencer shifted away from her. Alex's heart jumped in to her throat, "Is that not—"   
  
"It isn't that," Spencer said, cutting her off and looking worried for a moment. He was holding the alarm clock. "I thought you wouldn't want…" He trailed off, looking a little uncertain.   
  
Alex's brow furrowed. 

"Aaron gets up early and I thought you'd rather not run the risk of running in to anyone in the hall," Spencer said. Alex felt guilty then. It couldn't be easy, she realized, for Spencer to keep this a secret. But that he was doing it for her? At the expense of his own feelings?   
  
That had to mean _something_ , didn't it?  
  
Spencer finished fiddling with the alarm and then laid back down, turned to face her, and his other arm came around her. It was surprisingly… _nice_ being held by him like this. His fingers caught in her hair. He pressed his lips to her temple.   
  
"Hey," Spencer said and Alex tilted her head up towards him. His fingers rested along her jaw as he leaned in to kiss her. Alex let him, kissed back almost gently, there was tenderness there. She felt the words on the tip of her tongue, but kept herself from saying them.   
  
Instead, she buried her head in to his neck and closed her eyes, just focusing on the feel of his hand stroking her hair. She sighed against his skin and considered saying something, but she didn't. Alex listened, instead, to the sound of Spencer's breathing evening out and his heartbeat.   
  
Alex reached up and laced their fingers together.   
  
Spencer didn't stir.   
  
"I love you," She whispered the words to try them out and let them echo in the darkness. She tucked in to Spencer's neck more and breathed him in.   
  
Spencer's fingers tightened around hers and she realized, with a sudden, almost feeling of panic that Spencer hadn't fallen asleep yet.   
  
It was so quiet she could hear the thudding of her heart in her ears. Alex wouldn't have said it if she realized. Moments passed but it felt like forever. One heartbeat, then two, then Spencer's thumb stroked along her knuckles.  
  
Too much silence.   
  
"You do?" Spencer said after a moment.   
  
She had hoped the movement had been an accident.   
  
Well, she was in it now.   
  
Alex was quiet then, because she wasn't sure how to respond now. She could admit to it, or say he'd misheard, and maybe _not_ screw this up. Maybe it wasn't enough for either of them, sex and companionship, and that wanting for something more wasn't folly and it was what he wanted to.   
  
It wasn't a usual situation, where she felt paralyzed with indecision.   
  
She hesitated still.   
  
"It's alright if you don't," Spencer broke the silence again. It was _ridiculous_. His arms didn't loosen around her and he didn't even seem particularly upset. _Outwardly_. She knew him well enough to notice the slight catch in his voice. "I understand." Spencer's hand rubbed over her back and he breathed out a little.   
  
"It's not like that," Alex said, leaning up to press a kiss to his jaw line. Alex stayed cuddled up to Spencer, his fingers carding through her hair.   
  
"Yeah?" Spencer prompted. Alex wanted to take it back, not because she didn't feel it, but because she wasn't sure she wanted to have this conversation. She couldn't _do_ anything about it and it made her so mad. But she couldn't throw away her marriage for this, could she? 

Alex kept her eyes closed.  
  
 _Could she?_   
  
At this point, she wasn't sure it mattered anymore. If she said it or didn't, the damage was already done. She'd cheated on James, she'd fallen in love with Spencer, she wanted—she wanted to be with him and that was stupid, too. But that feeling hadn't faded.   
  
"I do," Alex said, pulling back a little. She pulled back from him, his arms loosening to facilitate it. She pushed him down on to his back and leaned over him, to meet his gaze. His eyes were open and he looked up at her, hazel eyes intense. She couldn't read him.   
  
Alex hated that she couldn't get a solid read on him. "I do love you, Spencer. You can't… you really should not ever doubt that; it's true." Alex kept her gaze on him, not even hesitant anymore. If nothing else, she'd gotten it out in to the open and if everything fell down afterwards it was a sacrifice she made.   
  
Because it _wasn't_ enough anymore. Without feelings it was _meaningless_. No, not meaningless, it was just a little pointless if it wasn't going anywhere.   
  
"I don't doubt you," Spencer said, quirking a smile up at her, "I love you too, Alex." Spencer was stronger than he looked, though, and he pulled Alex back on top of him.   
  
Alex cuddled up with him, shifting up higher on him, sliding against him a little. Spencer huffed with almost laughter as his hands slid from her shoulders down to the small of her back. His arms slid around her waist and he kept her close, kissing her cheek, and then her shoulder.   
  
"Get some sleep," Spencer finally said, "We can talk more in the morning." Spencer paused.   
  
He seemed gearing up to say something else, then appeared to decide against it, kissed her shoulder again and closed his eyes. Alex leaned up and kissed him chastely, then slid down a little to pillow her head against his chest. Alex listened to the sound of his heartbeat, focused on the lazy patterns his fingers traced against the small of her back, and fell asleep; comfortable and glad that she had spoken up.   



End file.
